All my life I have found ways to avoid; avoid responsibility, avoid people, avoid unpleasantness, avoid confronting, avoid reality, the list seems endless.

Suddenly I am thrust into this healing process that is seeming to work and I take up avoiding once more. I avoid my homework, practice, meditation, writing, and life in general. Recovery is never a straight path but often as complex as the original tapestry in need of repairs.

This week in DBT I am confronted with the words AVOID AVOIDING. It stops me right there. Apparently avoiding is common. It is no great feat I have accomplished. I am just another wanna be recoverer avoiding recovery.

In truth, if someone were to hand me a certificate of recovery I would gratefully accept it and be on my merry way. I would frame it and hang it and perhaps add a bit of accent lighting to bring everyone’s eye to rest upon it. But it does not work that way. There is no easy fix.

I get angry at the work I have to do at 65 still recovering from a tattered mess that began at birth in a family that never got help for its ills. All people like me must feel the unfairness of having to do tons of repair work endlessly over and over. That said, there is nothing “fair” in life, and it is left to me to fix me.

Now I have been called out on my superior avoiding tactics. Will the words AVOID AVOIDING be forever the polka-dot elephant in the room, following me about like a second shadow? Will the words flash neon at me whenever I unwittingly avoid working on me? One can only hope.

Never give up. There are many distractions and alternative roads to travel. There is one more and one more and one more game to play, gotta watch the news, wash the dishes, take out the trash. One of my big avoiding excuses was “as soon as I get organized” but of course I didn’t so here I am.