Last week I distracted myself from my journey. I looked away because the panic in my chest went thumpety-thump whenever I thought about doing “family time.”

I have longed for family always. As a child I longed for a family that loved me. Later I longed to be lovable enough to be part of a family. Now I panic at the idea of building family connections.

I have an opportunity and a challenge. Am I up to it? Can I bear the thumpety-thump in my chest? Can I stand still, step up, open me to a vulnerability that has so many times laid me flat on my face?

Can I not put on my running shoes and disappear in the morning mist? No. I cannot. But I can numb-out temporarily when the panic knocks at my chest.

I can progress a minute at a time into a future that is far from certain to bring me closer to myself and to family connections. I can still my panic with logic, reason, facts, and deep breathing. I can count backwards from one hundred to fall asleep or count sweet little sheep as they disappear ove an imaginary fence. I can sit on that same imaginary fence when I am weary or timid. I can climb down from that fence and journey on when I am able to rise to the challenge of walking into the future.

Looking forward is hard for people like me. It is not impossible.