I have found many of my actions to be contemptible over the years. Those actions neither reflected my inner self nor any reasonableness that I could fathom. They were certainly not actions of love. I could not explain them even to myself let alone my children.

In the autumn of 1987 with the familiar crunch of fallen leaves beneath my feet I reveled in what seemed to be a successful transition from an abusive relationship in Florida to North Carolina where I was just minutes from my children, had money in the bank and my freedom. A new beginning.

Then everything changed. I began stopping at the convenience store for cheap wine to soothe whatever insanity was rumbling in my gut. I called a hot line and followed that up with begging for an appointment with a counselor. “I can’t wait two weeks!” I cried. “By then I will be back in Florida with Bob and I don’t want to go.”

It seems like it ought to be a simple decision. But it was not a decision. It was compulsion. I could no more stop it than I could stop the dead leaves from falling to the ground. One evening I called Bob. Even as I did I hated me for being weak. Before two weeks passed I was in Florida with Bob in the throws of severe depression and remorse. And the inexplicable knowledge that I had “chosen” this man I did not like or love over my children who I longed for with every breath.

A self loathing set in and I continued to slide downhill ever faster until in September of 88 I landed in AA with the surety that suicide was my only way out.

The book which seems to answer some of my many questions, and ease my mind a bit, “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk MD speaks of early childhood trauma’s effect on brain development. I have much to learn about what happened to me and how I got where I am today, but one thing is sure, though I alone am responsible for my actions, there were extenuating circumstances. Of course that does not alleviate the suffering of those in my path. It does not provide an excuse, only a reason. It will never exonerate me.

But I deserve some peace from the hunting images of the destruction I left behind. Yes, I said that. I am neither weak nor coward, stupid or hate filled.

I am a survivor who is going beyond the bounds of mere survival. Don’t let the bastards win, especially when they live inside you.