“traumatized people become stuck, stopped in their
growth because they can’t integrate new experiences into their lives. I was very
moved when the veterans of Patton’s army gave me a World War II army-issue
watch for Christmas, but it was a sad memento of the year their lives had
effectively stopped: 1944. Being traumatized means continuing to organize your
life as if the trauma were still going on—unchanged and immutable—as every
new encounter or event is contaminated by the past.”
“Psychological problems occur when our internal signals don’t work, when our
maps don’t lead us where we need to go, when we are too paralyzed to move,
when our actions do not correspond to our needs, or when our relationships
break down. Every brain structure that I discuss has a role to play in these
essential functions, and as we will see, trauma can interfere with every one of
them.”
from “The Body Keeps The Score”
Whether one believes or not my childhood traumas, the fact is that my life, as I knew it, stopped the day my brother led me to his bedroom. Every activity, every relationship, every experience from that day on was tainted by that trauma. The fact that the abuse was ongoing and I knew no power to end it meant ongoing contamination of my life.
But I won’t dwell on those facts. I want to talk about the generational passing down of the effects of that trauma or any trauma that stops you in your tracks.
We cannot stop the trauma’s effects by “burying it” “moving on” or otherwise ignoring it. We must deal with it. The generations, including mine, of suffering in silence have done the world no favor.
My trauma lived inside me through all my years of grade and high school, directing all activity, propelled me headlong into a disastrous marriage, and then through my children’s lives and my grandchildren’s lifetimes.
It does little to relieve my conscience to know that I was not just a “crazy” or weak, or immoral, cruel and callous, or just plain selfish. There are explanations I am discovering, but not excuses. I remain responsible.
But the challenge stretches far beyond me just feeling better about myself or learning the life skills I lacked. There is a horde of people, throughout my life, affected by my life journey, in fact every person.
Let me put it this way. My mother was a tyrant. Verbally and physically she abused her 20 children. Those 20 screwed up children collectively brought 67 children into the world. If they supplied another 2 per household we have another 134.
I have heard from some of the grandchildren about their relationships with their DeGolier parent. I can list the siblings whose children hate them, do not speak to them, or just treat them very bad.
I do not know for certain what made my mother who she was to us, but whatever it was, it took me near a lifetime to find any compassion for her.
Honesty, education, and the end of silent suffering could go a long way to heal and prepare our children to deal with trauma. Trauma comes to most people in one form or another. We must end the stigma of seeking help for our tired and disrupted brains just as we seek help for physical ills.
I continue my journey.
The Road Forward 