“These reactions are irrational and largely outside people’s control. Intense

and barely controllable urges and emotions make people feel crazy—and makes

them feel they don’t belong to the human race. Feeling numb during birthday

parties for your kids or in response to the death of loved ones makes people feel

like monsters. As a result, shame becomes the dominant emotion and hiding the

truth the central preoccupation.

They are rarely in touch with the origins of their alienation. That is where

therapy comes in—is the beginning of bringing the emotions that were generated

by trauma being able to feel, the capacity to observe oneself online. However,

the bottom line is that the threat-perception system of the brain has changed, and

people’s physical reactions are dictated by the imprint of the past.

The trauma that started “out there” is now played out on the battlefield of

their own bodies, usually without a conscious connection between what

happened back then and what is going on right now inside. The challenge is not

so much learning to accept the terrible things that have happened but learning

how to gain mastery over one’s internal sensations and emotions. Sensing,

naming, and identifying what is going on inside is the first step to recovery.” The Body Keeps the Score Bessel Van Der Kolk

I have felt “crazy” for most of my life, unable to puzzle out why my reactions were so “over the top” to even ordinary events. I remember as far back as 8^th grade asking the school psychologist if she could tell if I were crazy. I suppose I “earned” the label of “crazy” that my first husband gave me though it was not accurate.

The childhood traumas I vowed to never speak of were screaming out in outrageous ways. My trauma owned me, dictated my actions, reactions, choices, decisions and my life spun ever quicker out of control.

This is not about blaming others, irregardless of their responsibility for the harm done to me; it is me owning my actions and reactions and beginning to take back my power to live mindful of those actions and reactions erupting from the childhood imprint on my mind and body.

Sometimes I feel I am too old for it all to matter. My immediate response is no, it matters because there are millions of others, young and old, who need to know the truth. The truth about me? I am merely an example to learn from, but if I reach one life with my story, I am satisfied, because the ripple effect and the sheer volume of others stories of trauma, survival, and recovery will one day cover the earth.

In truth, I have touched more than one life through my book, my radio blog, and my posts to YouTube but there is more to learn and more to share and more people every day that need some sliver of hope.

Grandiose? That is my sister Joyce’s word for me. According to her I need a PHD. But no one can shine a light in dark corners as well as a person who has been there and lived to tell about it.

There will always be people who want the dark side of life hidden away, skeletons kept in closets. Just walk away, be happy, it’s over, get on with your life, and all the while traumatized people try to comply the skeletons rattle inside them making them seem and feel “crazy.”