“Research on the effects of early maltreatment tells a different story: that

early maltreatment has enduring negative effects on brain development.

Our brains are sculpted by our early experiences. Maltreatment is a

chisel that shapes a brain to contend with strife, but at the cost of deep,

enduring wounds. Childhood abuse isn’t something you “get over.” It is

an evil that we must acknowledge and confront if we aim to do

anything about the unchecked cycle of violence in this country.”

—Martin Teicher, MD, PhD, Scientific American

“There are hundreds of thousands of children like the ones I am about to

describe, and they absorb enormous resources, often without appreciable

benefit. They end up filling our jails, our welfare rolls, and our medical clinics.

Most of the public knows them only as statistics. Tens of thousands of schoolteachers, probation officers, welfare workers, judges, and mental health

professionals spend their days trying to help them, and the taxpayer pays the

bills.” The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

I once sat with a boyfriend, Blue, in the office of a Child Behavioral Psychologist being hushed when I tried to say that Blue’s son’s troubles could not be resolved without full disclosure of the facts. Even then I knew, from being an ineffective mother, (notice how I avoid the word abuse) and having an ineffective mother, that what we adults do affects our children long term.

Gee, what a mouthful. Blue was not a person capable of owning his mistakes. This was his son’s problem and had nothing to do with him. Yes, he was a narcissist and pathological liar, thus abusive by the very nature of his interactions with his son. But it was not only Blue’s interactions, mine were abusive by the very nature of the relationship with Blue, my resentment of unwillingly being manipulated into acting as a “mother” to his child, and my complete inability to be who they both wanted me to be. Also, being in a relationship with a narcissist is tough on all members of a “family” group. I was a mess. Blue was a mess. And without any of that coming into the conversation, the child would remain a mess.

I get that most people want to believe that once a person reaches a certain age there is no blaming of parents or other people for their behaviors, but it simply is not true. Yes, there is a point where children become masters of their own ship so to speak, but the ship is often by then carrying a cargo of internal crap that cannot be simply offloaded to a dock somewhere and “left behind.”

Our bodies do indeed keep the score. As adults many struggle with disorders, alcohol, drugs, jail, suicide, and the cause is never fully addressed. Society looks on these people as bad, weak, lazy, selfish, but what many are is people just trying to survive.

I blamed my ills on the family I grew up in and later I added many people to that list. Blaming can waste a lot of life, but there is a difference between blame for blame’s sake and holding people accountable for what they did or failed to do. There is also a difference between blame and simply returning to past traumas in order to deal with it.

I detest memes that say “you and you alone are responsible for every choice you made.” as though we are suddenly born to adulthood and now the 18 years of bad or warped messaging just disappears from our minds.

Did I make a bad choice to marry to get away from home at 17? Let me see, I was afraid of two of my brothers who were active predators and my father who assaulted me and a mother who knew and would not for a moment protect me. I saw a way out and went for it. I chose, yes. I did not see another way. And remember my sex life began at 3 ½ years. My mind was beyond warped by the family I grew up in.

Of course, my maltreatment was extreme. Maltreatment, abuse, neglect, abandonment, witnessing domestic abuse or a family torn apart by alcohol, the list of traumas is endless when it comes to affects on a child’s developing brain. And to be told at adulthood the choice is now yours, what the heck do people think is going to come out of that messed up mind? Messed up choices.

And you can say all day long that so-and-so was beaten as a child and look what he/she managed to accomplish but it is a mute point because every child is different, even within a family group. Comparison’s are irrelevant and ineffective.

I continue to learn. We ought all continue to learn.