CHAPTER 13

HEALING FROM TRAUMA: OWNING

YOUR SELF

“Nobody can “treat” a war, or abuse, rape, molestation, or any other

horrendous event, for that matter; what has happened cannot be undone.

But what can be dealt with are the imprints of the trauma on body, mind, and

soul: the crushing sensations in your chest that you may label as anxiety or

depression; the fear of losing control; always being on alert for danger or

rejection; the self-loathing; the nightmares and flashbacks; the fog that keeps

you from staying on task and from engaging fully in what you are doing; being

unable to fully open your heart to another human being.

Trauma robs you of the feeling that you are in charge of yourself, of what I

will call self-leadership in the chapters to come.1 The challenge of recovery is to

reestablish ownership of your body and your mind—of your self. This means

feeling free to know what you know and to feel what you feel without becoming

overwhelmed, enraged, ashamed, or collapsed. For most people this involves (1)

finding a way to become calm and focused, (2) learning to maintain that calm in

response to images, thoughts, sounds, or physical sensations that remind you of

the past, (3) finding a way to be fully alive in the present and engaged with the

people around you, (4) not having to keep secrets from yourself, including

secrets about the ways that you have managed to survive.” by Bessel Van Der Kolk

Some empty advice for a trauma survivor:

Just let it go. (Really, you think I am holding on with a death grip to my trauma?)

Put it behind you and move on. (It is a part of me)

Just be happy now. (How, tell me how when the trauma still works independent of my conscious mind.)

Just get over it. (Sounds so simple, and makes trauma survivors feel stupid and weak. They are neither.)

People mean well, but they may as well tell me to go learn all about quantum physics in five minutes. I know, five minutes of talking to my grandsons about quantum physics taught me.

Learning that my trauma’s made an imprint on my body and mind has taken a measure of my burden from my shoulders. I am still responsible for actions and reactions that harmed others, but hearing that many things were out of my conscious control, immune to choices I would prefer to have made and not due to my “inherent evil” gene has been a relief to my heart.

This is where the healing begins picking up speed I think, right after owning all my baggage and learning what the real trouble is. I am learning tools to help disarm the trauma triggers. The triggers will continue to evoke emotions. With a new ability to be mindfully aware of those emotions I am learning also to react to current situations instead of the full blown spectrum of childhood trauma. I can safely say I do not think another hospital visit will occur and that alone brings me a measure of peace.

There will always be some people who refuse to believe I was raised in anything but an idyllic home. They would read this and scoff. But those I speak of have an agenda to continually discredit me. I know truths they do not want me to speak of. I must be labeled “crazy.” And those people have toiled long to make sure I am not believed.

It does not matter anymore who believes. I am working on me and will continue.