“PROLOGUE

One does not have be a combat soldier, or visit a refugee camp in Syria or the

Congo to encounter trauma. Trauma happens to us, our friends, our families, and our neighbors. Research by the Centers for Disease Control and

Prevention has shown that one in five Americans was sexually molested as a

child; one in four was beaten by a parent to the point of a mark being left on

their body; and one in three couples engages in physical violence. A quarter of

us grew up with alcoholic relatives, and one out of eight witnessed their mother

being beaten or hit.

As human beings we belong to an extremely resilient species. Since time

immemorial we have rebounded from our relentless wars, countless disasters

(both natural and man-made), and the violence and betrayal in our own lives.

But traumatic experiences do leave traces, whether on a large scale (on our

histories and cultures) or close to home, on our families, with dark secrets being

imperceptibly passed down through generations. They also leave traces on our

minds and emotions, on our capacity for joy and intimacy, and even on our

biology and immune systems.

Trauma affects not only those who are directly exposed to it, but also those

around them. Soldiers returning home from combat may frighten their families

with their rages and emotional absence. The wives of men who suffer from

PTSD tend to become depressed, and the children of depressed mothers are at

risk of growing up insecure and anxious. Having been exposed to family

violence as a child often makes it difficult to establish stable, trusting

relationships as an adult.

Trauma, by definition, is unbearable and intolerable. Most rape victims,

combat soldiers, and children who have been molested become so upset when they think about what they experienced that they try to push it out of their minds,

trying to act as if nothing happened, and move on. It takes tremendous energy to

keep functioning while carrying the memory of terror, and the shame of utter

weakness and vulnerability.

While we all want to move beyond trauma, the part of our brain that is

devoted to ensuring our survival (deep below our rational brain) is not very good

at denial. Long after a traumatic experience is over, it may be reactivated at the

slightest hint of danger and mobilize disturbed brain circuits and secrete massive

amounts of stress hormones. This precipitates unpleasant emotions, intense

physical sensations, and impulsive and aggressive actions. These posttraumatic

reactions feel incomprehensible and overwhelming. Feeling out of control,

survivors of trauma often begin to fear that they are damaged to the core and

beyond redemption.” The Body keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk

When I speak I speak for many millions. Trauma is trauma, no more destructive from going to war than from childhood trauma, domestic violence, or rape. The imprint of trauma will be unique to each individual like a fingerprint as will be the road to recovery.

We all know victims of trauma whether we know it or not. They walk among us doing their best version of the “just get over it” dance or feel the weight of not being strong enough, smart enough, or brave enough to do the dance.

In the book The Body Keeps the Score I have found both knowledge that perhaps I was not “inherent evil” as I named myself in the late 1980’s and the anguish of being the unintended instrument of pain for those around me. I find a reason to hope, along with the hopelessness of knowing it is too late for me though in truth it is never too late.

I get confused. Some days I am all in for this new beginning. Other times I yearn for the darkness of a safe haven where no person may see me, reach me, or inadvertently trigger an over-the-top emotion that further savages myself and drives them away. I cannot bear the thought of driving more people away. I press on.

I encourage all to read the book. If not for insight on your own trauma imprint, then to understand others better. And do not say to people in crisis to “get over it” or “just be happy” as though we are able to turn it off and on like a light switch. It is both demeaning and impossible.