My experience, some research, and my gut tell me I was never a good candidate for motherhood. Though I thought, as a teenager, that I knew what to do as a mother because I had witnessed the destructive patterns in my family, I brought train loads of poisonous baggage to adulthood. I thought, “Once I get away from home, I will be okay, master of my own ship, under my husband of course.” ( it was the early seventies) I did not have a clue.

There were things I did right. I kept them fed, clothed, and clean, and my main means of erasing the coldness of my childhood was lots of hugs and kisses, snuggling, playing, cooing and plenty of smiles and laughter. I got that right.

Unfortunately, I also brought train loads of baggage to motherhood. I tried to just be happy, let it go, move on, but I only ended up disappointed in myself, ashamed of my weakness, my stupidity. Now research into the mind on trauma tells me it was not me hanging on to the past, but the past took up residence in me and would not let go.

To further complicate matters nightmares brought childhood forward nearly every night waking me to the morning light with misery, fear, and shame to start my day. It was like living two lives in one body. There was the girl traumatized by a childhood of witnessing and experiencing horror, and beside her stood a woman striving to stave off the horror and be a good wife and mother.

My sister Valerie had an abortion back in the seventies. She said she could not bear to bring a child into the world to suffer as she had. meanwhile I was popping out babies in a life as unstable as my marriage and my mind unhealed.

It is all so simple to judge who did the right thing when we are talking about other people. Valerie chose to never give birth because her childhood was stark and cold, mostly silent with intermittent rages, beatings and sexual assault. I had children because I thought I would be loved and because it seemed to be expected. I wanted to do the right thing.

I do not and never can regret giving birth to my children. I do regret, however, the chaotic, depressed, immature mother they inherited. I would not wish that pain on anyone.

So what is my point here? Heal yourself before bringing little people into your world, because they are not there for you, you need to be there for them.