As I drove away from Maria’s house I felt an emptiness that I had often experienced during a meltdown, but this time I also felt hopeless, and hope is the one thing I had never run out of completely. I headed to the relative safety of Monarch Behavioral Health center in Cary, NC.

I was out of my mind with grief and loss. Someone handed me a box of tissues and I began yanking them all from the box to let them drift aimlessly to the floor.

“These are all people I’ve lost, every one, my children, grandchildren, family. So much loss I can’t go on. I can’t lose anymore people, I don’t know what to do!”

Someone called for help to get me to the hospital. I began to calm down. In the hospital I would be safe.

After 5 days at Wake Med in Cary, I was transported to Statesville for 9 days. Nothing significant changed in those 14 days. As always I was discharged more in control of myself only to await the next breakdown.

Living in my car gave me lots of time to think. At first I felt resentful of Maria and I looked outside of myself for the cause of my current situation. All the “If only” statements ran through my mind, and the ultimate “why me.” But something else nagged at me. I saw the events precipitating my move to my car as in one column and my reactions in the next column. It was becoming clear to me that my over-reactions had a hold on me.

I did not know yet what the answer was, but I knew I could not continue down the same path. I had to make it right with Maria. I could not lose one more person I loved. We sorted through the debris and have continued to be friends through a few of my ups and downs.

In March, at last settled into an apartment, I began Dialectical Behavior Training to learn how to regulate my emotions. It has been nearly two years now and I get continue to reap the benefits.