I choose to move forward. It is a real choice, rather than the usual New Year moving me forward while shutting down the memories and loss of the last year. I made my choice this AM January 3rd, 2020 while lying in bed mourning an added dimension to the usual painful reality.

The painful reality is me. I must remember that, live with it, both what has been done to me, and what I have caused in my turn. The former does not haunt my steps; the latter is like a yappy dog nipping at my ankle tripping me up and taking me down.

“Trauma, whether it is the result of something done to you or something you
yourself have done, almost always makes it difficult to engage in intimate
relationships. After you have experienced something so unspeakable, how do
you learn to trust yourself or anyone else again? Or, conversely, how can you
surrender to an intimate relationship after you have been brutally violated?” The Body Keeps the Score Bessel Van Der Kolk

My flashbacks are not of my childhood, but of my children’s. They are moments of searing pain condemning and shaming me. I cannot outrun them. I cannot deny or justify them. I say I cannot live with these apparitions glaring at me, but that is my choice, to live with myself, not because I deserve the torment, but because the torment is there.

Years of my life have frittered away escaping me, and still I fail. All that is left is to turn and face me. I am both the obstacle in my way and the doorway to freedom.

“The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves” Elvin Semrad