Every person arrives at any moment through experiences as unique as a thumbprint. I remember reading books on babies and children: I was going to get it right. The books told me about feeding times, bathing, sleep, burping, and diaper rash. And siblings, Mother, and every person with or without children was an expert. Limit sugar, or give them all they want sort of back and forth. My step-mother-in-law once grabbed the spinach out of my hand and threw it in the trash. “You can’t expect her to eat that.” She popped open a jar of Apple Cobbler.

Books had their place. But looking back from where I sit today, I see the one thing absent: nobody told me that every day, every moment a babies brain is creating, transforming, grasping messages out of thin air to learn what the world is about. The books did not tell me my baby was already creating its foundation with every smile or frown or hug or missed meal, with every voice, with every cry.

The other thing books left out is that norms do not apply in abusive homes or families that are full of anger, remorse, drinking, abandonment, because in the absence of hugging and cooing, babies and small children’s brains are still learning their place in the family and the larger world. The choice to choose good things, good people, is stolen because the only thing they knew was negative.

Individuals are the subject of most books about babies, but do any tell you that every child is different? I suspect many do now days. But my recommendation to new parents would be to investigate the intricacies of brain development. There is no one way to raise a child or care for your baby, but understanding the basics of mind, emotions, and body will be an asset your child may one day thank you for.

Still, having a child will surprise you, delight you, and exasperate you, and they will never grow by the book.