I want 1 + 1 to equal two. Growing up in a right or wrong world I felt assured that I knew the basics. Lying was a sin, yes I grew up in an era when Bible instruction was part of my school day. I want clarity. When someone lies I want to rule it wrong, Then someone says “yeah but…” and in comes the gray area.

In a world where there exists far more gray area than black and white 1 + 1 can equal anything anyone’s imagination can dream up. Simplicity is gone. There is no clear cut list of things we are for or against.

Perhaps it is just me. I have been introduced to massive gray areas through recovery from thinking life should be fair. Life has never been fair. Attempting to make it so will drive me mad. And then there is love. “If you love me…” you will never hurt me. I want that belief sometimes, but I had it and it was not true thereby leaving me forever feeling unloved and unlovable, as well as unloving. What is love? What is hurt? Define these words in simple terms I can use to define them in my life.

Most things cannot be solved by love alone. The old movies I grew up on had always a happy ending and the gal gets the guy and they wander into the sunset blissfully unaware that real life awaited them around the bend. But I did not know either. I would watch the scene blissfully misty eyed wishing I could have that. And all the time it was a hoax. I did not know. I believed in happy ever after.

Life is complicated by reality. Sometimes life is unbearable because truth rears up out of the perfect fantasy we have created in a quest for happiness. For me it happens mostly in the moments after I turn off the light. I close my eyes to view the upcoming nightmare pasted together from bits and pieces of truth and lies and imagination.

“I’m sorry” escapes my brain. “But…” And I close my mind to shut out the gray area where my life can be put in context and someone will see who I am. Maybe it is enough that I can now see my life in context. After all, it is my life alone.