When children feel pervasively angry or guilty or are chronically

frightened about being abandoned, they have come by such feelings

honestly; that is because of experience. When, for example, children

fear abandonment, it is not in counter-reaction to their intrinsic

homicidal urges; rather, it is more likely because they have been

abandoned physically or psychologically, or have been repeatedly

threatened with abandonment. When children are pervasively filled

with rage, it is due to rejection or harsh treatment. When children

experience intense inner conflict regarding their angry feelings, this is

likely because expressing them may be forbidden or even dangerous.

Bowlby noticed that when children must disown powerful experiences they have

had, this creates serious problems, including “chronic distrust of other people,

inhibition of curiosity, distrust of their own senses, and the tendency to find

everything unreal.” John Bowlby

“As we will see, this has important implications for

treatment.

Our study expanded our thinking beyond the impact of particular

horrendous events, the focus of the PTSD diagnosis, to look at the long-term

effects of brutalization and neglect in caregiving relationships. It also raised

another critical question: What therapies are effective for people with a history

of abuse, particularly those who feel chronically suicidal and deliberately hurt

themselves?

SELF-HARM

During my training I was called from my bed at around 3:00 a.m. three nights in a row to stitch up a woman who had slashed her neck with whatever sharp object she could lay her hands on. She told me, somewhat triumphantly, that cutting herself made her feel much better. Ever since then I’d asked myself why. Why do some people deal with being upset by playing three sets of tennis or drinking a stiff martini, while others carve their arms with razor blades? Our study showed that having a history of childhood sexual and physical abuse was a strong predictor of repeated suicide attempts and self-cutting.8 I wondered if their suicidal ruminations had started when they were very young and whether they had found comfort in plotting their escape by hoping to die or doing damage to themselves. Does inflicting harm on oneself begin as a desperate attempt to gain some sense of control?

Chris Perry’s database had follow-up information on all the patients who were treated in the hospital’s outpatient clinics, including reports on suicidality and self-destructive behavior. After three years of therapy approximately twothirds of the patients had markedly improved. Now the question was, which members of the group had benefited from therapy and which had continued to feel suicidal and self-destructive? Comparing the patients’ ongoing behavior with our TAQ interviews provided some answers. The patients who remained self-destructive had told us that they did not remember feeling safe with anybody as a child; they had reported being abandoned, shuttled from place to place, and generally left to their own devices.

I concluded that, if you carry a memory of having felt safe with somebody long ago, the traces of that earlier affection can be reactivated in attuned relationships when you are an adult, whether these occur in daily life or in good therapy. However, if you lack a deep memory of feeling loved and safe, the receptors in the brain that respond to human kindness may simply fail to develop. If that is the case, how can people learn to calm themselves down and feel grounded in their bodies? Again, this has important implications for therapy, and I’ll return to this question throughout part 5, on treatment.” The Body Keeps the Score Besel Van Der Kolk

I fail to comprehend the relief many people get from cutting or burning themselves with cigarettes. How can anyone feel what they feel? It has been explained to me by several people but the nearest I can come to understanding is the earnest look in their eyes of relief just to get the opportunity to tell someone.

I have punished myself in other ways, but it brought no such relief. For years I either beat my head against walls or beat my temples from both sides at once, perhaps to drive out the evil in me that drove me “crazy.”

I also held suicide in front of me like a carrot on a stick. If things aren’t better tomorrow…and one day at a time remained above ground. The true carrot was the hope of resolving the difficulties between my children and I. That is still an unknown.

But what I mostly want to bring attention to is the plight of children today. Millions of children live every day in spite of sex abuse, physical or verbal abuse, and neglect. When they act out they are not being “bad.” They are the walking wounded. They do not need a spanking, to be arrested, body slammed to the floor, or told to “be good.”

Sadly, most people turn a blind eye to child abuse, especially sexual abuse.

Surely a civilized country can do better for the most vulnerable. But are we civilized?

I think not, with children going without healthcare, enough food in their bellies at night, scant protection from harm within their own family.

I know what it’s like to be a child in fear, watching my back, and all the while trying not to show any emotions. I remember. I grew up to be a woman with many coping mechanisms that did not work in the outside world.

I remember being 15 and my dad saying that all I needed was a good spanking.

What I needed is what every child needs and deserves, to be safe and loved within the family home.